BAGGY TROUSERS

Ah, school days. Many of my peers cite school days as the worst days of their lives. I loved them. Well... at first...

For some reason, and this is a perversity which has followed me through my entire life, as soon as I start to achieve anything and command respect and attention from those around me - particularly people who are trying to teach me something - I completely change tack and do my utmost to prove to them that any faith they have in me is completely misplaced.

For example - here is my first school report, from 1972 :

I quote; interested and lively, enjoys learning, sense of humour ... delighted us on many occasions.

Yep, I was coasting ahead, the grades got better, I became more and more popular. I recently bumped into someone I hadn't seen since those early years and she remembered me as 'the class joker, the one we all wanted to spend playtime with'.

Let's fast forward to 1984 shall we, and my last report before leaving full time education for the final time.

It took me bloody years to pefect the 'all pervading sense of apathy' believe me. Hah! That showed 'em. I was taking 2 A levels at this point, I dropped one and failed the other (well, passed with an E, which is failed let's face it). I then sat back and expected prospective employers to queue at my door offering me the perfect career. That's why I ended up working in supermarkets for 16 years.

So remember kids, being successful is dead easy, anyone can do it, but it takes a special kind of talent to be a miserable failure like me! AND YET... I am not miserable, neither do I consider myself a failure. I am currently very content and healthy and work in a low paid but totally fascinating job in the field of microbiology while my more successful friends with 2.4 children, huge mortgages and demanding management jobs are sodden, overweight, miserable gits.

There's a point to all this but it escapes me right now. That'll be because of my all-pervading sense of apathy I expect.


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