Life's Unexpected Delights #4

When you enter a room at work and find a dislikeable, aggressive and generally surly co-worker flapping a dead lobster through the air and making stupid "wak-wak-wak" noises and you realise he is just a silly little tosser after all.


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Inane Thought for the Day #1

Using the analogy of the planet Earth being one single vast living organism ; you know those days when you wake up and you just feel, you know, crappy. Your skin's greasy, your mouth tastes like a cat's arse, various bits ache, your nose is blocked up and last night's curry is straining for release...

I reckon that's probably how Earth feels most days now.

However, it's gonna take more than a good shit and a clean toothbrush to make things better this time...



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Whistlin' Past the Graveyard

Dead of night. Very drunk. Thought I'd pop in and take some pics. This particular graveyard is down an unpaved country lane and surrounded by trees and fields. I was the only living human for quite some distance... I hope...

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Telephone Operator

Having been with the same mobile company for many years now, and actually having found them very reliable, I was quite chuffed to be offered an iPhone 4 for just 50 quid. However, being the luddite I am I absolutely have no need whatsoever for a smartphone. So I took a £25 reduction on my monthly tariff instead.

WINS. As those pesky yougsters might say.



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Forgotten Years

Whilst in the process of clearing out piles of old folders and plastic bags in a neglected room I've come across some ancient gems. Mostly of interest only to myself and immediate family, nonetheless I intend to share a few found items with the blogosphere.

This is (was?) my father cira 1972 - the face of Minster Fuels :

His name wasn't Roy, for some reason 'Les' was not considered the right name for a heating engineer. On the reverse is an advert for 3-piece suites, reduced from £60 to £42. You wouldn't get a bloody 3-piece SUIT for that price now, let alone furniture!

The following picture is definitely an indication of how things change ;

That's my mother and I, Christmas 1966. I am proudly clutching my new golliwog. Guess what, I grew up without becoming racist. Funny that.

Here's me in 1965 :

And here's me half an hour ago :

Which proves, if nothing else, that dogs like me even if humans don't. Also the hair's come full circle.

Finally (for now at least) a family picnic from 1964. At an aerodrome in Hampshire. We weren't fussy. (I say 'we', but as this was taken in the summer I was merely a collection of sexless cells with no identity at this time. Some say I still am.)

I suspect more of this nonsense will follow soon....



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The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round

...except when they don't.

So, I was walking the dog with a friend yesterday when we encountered a huge scaffolding lorry parked completely over the pavement on a single track lane leaving just enough room for cars to pass, but only just. We carefully passed it (by having to walk up the middle of the road) while being balefully watched by three dead-eyed hairy-arses carrying scaffolding poles and planks to and from the lorry.

One of the 'men' stacked a pile of planks against the side of the lorry, reducing the passing space even further. An average sized car would JUST be able to pass. That's when the bus arrived. We both stopped and turned to witness what happened next. The bus drew up behind the lorry but could go no further. The men stared at the bus. The bus flashed its lights. The men stared at the bus. The driver wound down the window, I couldn't hear what he said to the men but there was no reaction. The men stared at the bus.

Maybe I'm considered soft, but at this point I would have shouted something like "Oops, sorry mate!" and moved the planks to give the bus a fair chance of at least trying to get by. The men stared at the bus. I was fully expecting one of them to rip his shirt off and start bellowing and beating his chest.

Eventually, after several cars and a bike had pulled up behind the bus, turned round and buggered off again, the bus slowly squeezed past the lorry, destroying someone's hedge in the process. The men stared at the bus. Once it had gone they carried on loading their lorry in silence.

My friend and I looked at each other, our mouths open, stunned by this weird display of macho ignorance. It seems that it is considered a weakness by a certain portion of the population to demonstrate any glimmer of thoughtfulness or consideration towards others, or indeed to even acknowledge their existence. I shouldn't be surprised, I already knew that, but it's always stunning to actually see it in action and it confuses and saddens me every time.

My friend is a librarian. She doesn't expect to encounter any of those men again anytime soon.

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'These Frequencies are Changing...

...a soft acceleration, across the surface of the sea...' - I do like those lyrics, courtesy of John Foxx the ever-regenerating quiet man. Music and wordplay is so subjective, but right now they evoke a certain empathy within me as things around me do seem to be gently altering at the moment.

It's very possible that within the next few months I will have to initiate and deal with a major life change, new job, new house, new area to live in. It's something I've been toying with for several years now and things have shifted into a position which dictates that it's probably now or never. Strange how 20 years ago I'd have just got on with it, embracing the adventure and the change... and yet right now, even though the possible outcome will mean a vastly improved lifestyle in a place I really want to be, it's utterly terrifying! Thus prevarication has set in. Someone kick my arse please?

I had an amazing drunken day out with some very good friends yesterday, alternating between pubs and wobbly woodland walks, ending up at the finest drinking establishment in town for a nightcap. Reality-dodging can be fun!

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INTERMISSION

Big Blue Sun

Finally the weather has realised it's June, right at the end. Loverly.

Off to a barbeque this evening, it's all become terribly complicated ; the barbequee is a popular lady and the weather's scorching and word's got around - it could well be shoulder-to-shoulder with various hot-food-against-bare-skin and alcohol-fuelled-inapropriate-touching incidents conceivable.

Might be fun!

I won't hesitate to report any and all hilarious barbeque occurrences in my next split-yer-sides blog of hilarity...

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Partially Submerged

This little news item caught my bloodshot eye today :

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-13830017

The human race seems to be getting stupider by the day. At least, humans who live in 'civilised society' are. I'm probably over-simplifying but my opinion is that this is a result of our endless quest to make life easy for ourselves. We surround ourselves with an abundance of machines designed to speed life up and cut out the annoying need to think too much.

We are divorcing ourselves from the natural world bit by bit. To digress slightly - I'm not that old but I spent my childhood in a house with no double glazing, loft insulation or central heating. Thus I am perfectly comfortable in lower temperatures - temperatures which younger friends seem to find incredibly disagreeable. If I switch the air conditioning on at work when it gets warm (or what I percieve to be warm anyway) it is generally met with a chorus of complaints until someone switches it off again. I feel that I am more 'hardened' to adverse conditions than the generation beneath me.

Likewise, as a youth I did a great deal of hiking and cycling - I know what to wear and what to expect out in the countryside (generally the unexpected).  If I were to see a danger sign concerning tidal waters I'd bloody well take notice of it, having been nearly stranded by the tide on a beach once while searching for wildlife amongst rocks aged about 12. (Me, not the rocks, I suspect they were a tad older) But many people now have little idea of just how vicious the 'real world' can be. We don't run the bloody planet, it is a vast, dangerous, unpredictable beast. Just because you're in a shiny new car and have spent your life in comfort and ease doesn't mean nature is going to give you a break.

I suppose it is a sign of natural selection at work. I pity all the emergency services now, someone gets a paper cut and they're dialling 999 'cos mummy always made it better for them and they still need to be mothered and smothered and blanketed. If I'd gone to my mum squealing about a cut or graze I'd have been told in no uncertain terms it was my own bloody fault and I should learn to be more careful - so I did. Let your kids hurt themselves, let them get cold and wet and muddy. LET THEM LEARN.

Ironically, with the advent of the internet we have greater access now to information than any generation before us ever. So what do we do? Spend hours playing games, farting about on Facebook and writing vacuous blogs. Heh.


Sadly, for all my experience, I still sometimes think that I too am invincible. Last weekend at a music festival I decided against wearing a hat on a sunny June day and burnt my entire scalp to buggery. Twat.



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